apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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