I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
