mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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