my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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