I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
