i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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