I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
