i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
They took my balls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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