Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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