bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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