I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
