i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
