She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
