No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
