There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And then my night got REAL pukey
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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