I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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