I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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