I wanna bring you to show and tell
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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