Your mouth is God's brothel.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
