A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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