I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
