The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
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I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
where are you?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.