There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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