what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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