I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
