I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
