12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
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How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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