Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was like eating out sand paper
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
