Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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