Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
