My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
it's great music for shaving your balls
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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