Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
