Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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