if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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