you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You made out with two different species that night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i out mim tonsoeep
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
