So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
