when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
