Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
