i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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