You made eat vitamins until I threw up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
