went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
