mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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