When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
