why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
