...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
