I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
