Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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