i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
