I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."