the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team