I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
