I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
