he wants to bone in the snuggie
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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