don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
